A Beginner's Guide to Discovering Your Values

By Johnathan Bigler -- Lisch

Understanding our values can be difficult, especially if we have spent a lot of time stuck in survival mode or if others have tried to silence our point of view. However, knowing what we value can help us to set better goals, align ourselves with people and causes that we support, and deepen the sense of meaning that we get from life. Values are spread across all domains of life, such as education, family, spirituality, politics, and more. Aligning ourselves with these values helps to make life more fulfilling.

Getting in Tune with Ourselves

Before we can begin to understand the values that we hold, we need to get comfortable with being in the present moment unfiltered. When we are fully in the moment, we can simply notice what is happening: what we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, what’s happening around us, without making any attempt to change it. This helps us to describe the world as it is, rather than the way that we think it is. One example of this is the following: “When someone asks me if I plan to get married and have kids, I notice tension in my body and an urge to end the conversation. I notice myself wishing that I would get more questions about my plans to travel the world.” When we integrate sensory, somatic, and mental processes, we can notice our values manifesting in our experience. In this example, this person may not value having a family, instead valuing freedom and travel. This is especially important in assessing our values because we often believe that we feel or think a certain way, only to discover that we actually feel or think differently once we become more attuned to ourselves and the world around us. 

Getting Started

There are many worksheets to help us start assessing our values, but these can be overwhelming when we are not used to thinking about our values in a systematic way. Instead, we will walk through a three step process to start thinking about our values from scratch.

Step 1: Identify a recent conflict or disagreement. This does not have to be a screaming match, it might simply be something that someone said or done that rubbed us the wrong way, such as the previous example of being asked about plans to start a family.  For example, we may have disagreed with a coworker about how to proceed on a project. What was the basis of the disagreement, and how intensely did we disagree?

Step 2: Notice related thoughts and feelings. What thoughts and feelings came up during the conflict/disagreement? Did we think that the other person was not considering our feelings? Did we think that someone was taking an approach that would ultimately hurt others? Did we feel happy, while someone else felt angry? These are all factors that can show up in a conflict, and understanding which ones we are dealing with will help us understand which of our values are at play.

Step 3: Then we consider what these responses indicate about our values. If it is difficult to draw a conclusion, we can think about what we might conclude about someone else’s values if they felt or responded the way that we did.

Putting it All Together

Here is an example of what a values assessment might look like in practice:

I get to work and head to a morning meeting. We are starting a new project today with a new project lead and I am energized about it. I have prepared some ideas that I am looking forward to sharing, and I am planning to speak with the project lead about taking on a prominent role. When we sit down for the meeting, the project lead introduces the project and delineates who will be responsible for each task. When the project lead reaches the piece that I will be completing, I notice that I have a much smaller role than others with a similar job title as myself. My energy level lowers and I notice myself thinking “This is below me, I have so much more to contribute. I’m embarrassed to have such a small role to play.”

Let’s break this scenario down using the steps outlined above:

1. Identify a recent conflict or disagreement: I disagreed with the scope of responsibility that I was assigned on a recent project at work.

2. Notice related thoughts and feelings: I felt excited about the project and I had many ideas that I wanted to share. When I was given my assignment, my energy level went down and I thought “This is below me.” I felt embarrassed.

3. Consider what these responses indicate about values: I value leadership, hard work, and growth. I feel dejected when I am not living out these values in my life.

Values Can Change

Values can and do change over time. If we think about who we were ten, five, or even one year ago, it is likely that, even if many of our beliefs have stayed the same, there have been some changes, or our perspective has at least shifted to some degree. The goal of a values assessment is not to decide what we are going to believe for the rest of our lives – that simply is not possible. However, we can use what we have experienced to live out our values now, and as we continue to stay present, we can notice if changes in our responses over time indicate a shift in values.