Relationships are tough and there is no “perfect” relationship. However, there are qualities that can enhance a relationship and create healthy and long-term patterns that can help maintain a long-lasting partnership. On the contrary, there are also patterns and behaviors in a relationship that can predict its demise. It’s important to be aware of these patterns and take effective measures to repair them.
John and Julie Gottman, pioneer researchers in relationships and marriage, stated that there are 4 behaviors in a relationship that can predict if a marriage will end. He referred to these as the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. Now, while all relationships have engaged in these behaviors, the relationship masters take immediate action to repair these patterns, while the relationship disasters engage in these behaviors in almost all of their conflicts.
The 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse:
The 4 horsemen include: “criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling”. Criticism is when we use a complaint to attack our partner’s character. It is not constructive and is often intended to hurt the other person. Contempt is similar to criticism, but has an added layer of trying to take a position of moral superiority over our partner. Contempt can include mockery, ridicule, or rolling your eyes at your partner. Defensiveness is often seen as a response to criticism or contempt. When we get defensive we may try to find excuses or play the role of the victim. Lastly, stonewalling occurs when one or both partners become so emotionally flooded that they completely shut down. Partners in this situation may come off as cold or callus.
How do you replace the 4 horsemen?
Acknowledging that the 4 horsemen are present in your communication is the first step to learning how to replace them with healthy conflict management skills. For criticism and/or contempt, the goal is to present a complaint to your partner without weaponizing or attacking their character. One way to do this is by first identifying what emotion you're experiencing, then identifying “what” led you to feel that way, and not “who” made you feel that way. The last step is to verbalize what you need in order to feel better. This form of communication starts the conversation with a soft approach that will be better received by your partner. It then works on identifying what you were feeling in that moment and the reason you felt that way. When we transition away from the “who”, we are decreasing the likelihood that our partner will get defensive, or even worse, stonewall use.
Another way to decrease the 4 horseman, especially defensiveness and/or stonewalling, is to practice taking breaks and self-soothing when one or both partners starts to get emotionally flooded. When we get emotionally flooded, our thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is turned off and we are completely in our emotion brain/reactive brain. When this happens, our emotions are in control and we are unable to problem-solve. Taking a break gives both partners the opportunity to manage their physiological state and reconvene when they have reached equilibrium. It’s important to keep the break no less than 30 minutes and no more than 24 hours. During these breaks, partners should only focus on self-soothing and not take this opportunity to plot what they will say next or ruminate about what occurred during the conflict. This will only escalate the situation more.
Tips for increasing Closeness:
There are several ways to increase closeness and communication in a relationship. One way is to increase our awareness of our partner’s inner world. This is often called love maps. Love maps give us a strong sense of who our partner is and context to why they are the way they are. One way to do this is by having stress-reducing conversations with your partner at the end of the day.
An example of this is talking to your partner about their day and allowing them to vent to you while you listen. When this occurs, one partner is the listener and the other partner is the venter. While listening, the partner refrains from giving advice or talking about their day. They fully attend to the partner that is speaking. It’s important to turn towards our partner and respond to any of their bids for connection. When the venting partner is finished, the listening partner validates and then the roles reverse.
Stress-reducing conversations should not include anything about the relationship and should solely be used as a way to deeper connect to our partner’s inner worlds. Other ways to increase closeness, include asking our partners questions about their friends, job, family, and current hobbies. It’s important to know our partner and genuinely show interest in their world.
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