Mark Lemon, host of the “Grief is my Superpower” podcast, once expressed that “The reality is that you will only truly understand the deep pain of grief when you have lost someone so special, so loved, that your heart physically hurts”. Grief can be incredibly consuming, physically, mentally, and emotionally no matter what form it comes in. The most obvious is having someone you love pass away, however we as individuals experience grief in so many different ways in our lives, we grieve our pets, our lost relationships, our friendships, and sometimes even simpler times in our lives. As humans, with our natural instinct for understanding, we quite often try and conceptualize an understanding of how grief works, as a coping skill for the all-encompassing way grief is felt.
This is most often depicted in the “Stages of grief” which include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The misconception with these stages often comes with the idea that they happen in this specific order, however there is no “order” when it comes to grief.
Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance
Denial is described as shock or disbelief, it may manifest in the individual not being able to accept the loss. This could look differently for each person, For example, one may continue with responsibilities and mundane chores and not acknowledge the loss, or, one may go silent unable to express emotions due to the overwhelming difficulty to comprehend the loss.
Anger in grief is slightly different then average anger. As the reality of the loss becomes apparent, it leaves the one grieving to feel frustrated or helpless. This could look like being angry at themselves (For not making enough time for their lost loved one, or decisions they made during sickness), angry at a religious or spiritual figurehead (God or the Universe), or angry at other people, often using displacement for their feelings.
Bargaining usually happens when trying to lessen the impact of the loss for the grieving individual. This could include promises or negotiations with themselves, higher power, or fate as a whole. Bargaining often includes wishing for different outcomes, blaming themselves, or asking higher power for less pain. Bargaining can also be very common when it comes to the diagnosis of a terminal illness. During difficult moments, loved ones may bargain with their sick friends or family to encourage fighting of the illness, or loved ones may bargain with a higher power in this instance about changes, or even becoming more religious on the account of a good outcome.
Depression is the stage most often associated with grief as it depicts the deep sorrow and feelings of loneliness and overall sadness that comes with losing someone that we love. Often, these feelings turn into isolation and withdrawal from social outings and contact with family or friends. During this stage, individuals may also become at risk for suicidal ideation, which can be incredibly dangerous while withdrawing socially. If you feel this way, please contact the suicide helpline at: 988.
Acceptance during grief can vary significantly when it comes to the individual and the circumstances surrounding the loss. If you are caring for someone who was diagnosed with a terminal or regressive illness, acceptance may come easier for you than someone else. Someone who’s loved one was never recovered may experience a significantly harder time coming to terms of acceptance of their loved ones passing.
Culture and Grief
Culture and religion place heavy emphasis on the way we grieve, and go through mourning stages. It outlines how we bury and celebrate our loved ones that have passed on, while also having emphasis on being supported.
In Mexican culture with holidays like Día de los Muertos, when families build altars and share stories and memories about their loved ones.
In Jewish culture they sit shiva when a loved one passes, in which they are surrounded by friends and family for a 7-day period following the loss.
In Christian traditions, they celebrate All Saints/All Souls day in which they visit cemeteries, attend church services, and hold gatherings with families.
In Indian and Hindu traditions, there are 3 mourning periods, the first within the first 4 days which is considered initial mourning, the second within 13 days to signify primary mourning, and lastly extended mourning for immediate family members can last up to a year. During these mourning periods they refrain from social activities, and major celebrations like weddings and festivals to honor the memory of the deceased.
If you notice, every culture puts emphasis on spending time with families and loved ones for support, and also partaking in honoring those who have passed on. One of the really interesting parts of these traditions is that the themes of grief are not singular to one religion or spiritual guidelines. Grief, while it feels isolating, is universal, as are ways to acknowledge and support those grieving and those past on.
Celebrating your loved ones who have passed
During your grief, it can be hard to find joy in any moments small or large. Celebration can look very different for different people, some may participate in “Celebration of life gatherings” rather than funerals or even in addition to. We have listed some options below of ways you can learn to celebrate your loved ones, and please adapt as you see fit.
Celebrate their birthday every year with their favorite restaurants, desserts, foods, or treats.
Place flowers at gravesite, or by place in your house that may have their funeral card or ashes, weekly, monthly, or whenever you're thinking of them.
Host events on holidays to surround yourself with memory and tell holiday stories about your loved one.
Keep up relationships with friends of your passed on person, such as getting coffee or dinner, they will not only share in your grief, but often there is a mutual comfort of your lost person.
Mindfulness practices to use when experiencing Grief
Mindful Scents: If you find a perfume, cologne, or lotion that reminds you of a comforting time with the person you have lost in your life, try using it on days when you miss them. This will activate the remembrance of your loved one, while also revisiting fond memories to elicit joy.
Mindful Meditation: Using meditation can be really helpful in moments you feel significant sorrow relating to grief, or even moments when you feel like you need to readjust to your body. Meditations or Body scans can be found prerecorded on Youtube for free.
Mindful Eating: Oftentimes in grief we may try to avoid our feelings of sadness with snacks and binge eating habits. By eating slowly and examining each bite of food in your mouth, and on your plate will slow down your eating and allow you to feel fuller quicker.
Mindful Music listening: Listening to music that describes how you are feeling from other experiencing grief, will aid in any feelings of loneliness, or unique experience. Listening to music that instigates fun and distracting thoughts or memories will help in moments in sorrow.
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