Emotional Tennis: The Loving Science of Secure Parenting

By Yaakov Wahl

Freud: Pioneer or Pretender?

What are we to make of Sigmund Freud? Was he a revolutionary who opened a new age of insight into the human mind? Or a charlatan, borrowing freely from others like Arthur Schopenhauer? Was he a proto–#MeToo activist, daring to speak about sexual violence? Or a reactionary misogynist who gaslit victims to shield abusers?

With his mentor Josef Breuer, Freud developed the “talking cure” — what we now call therapy. Think for a moment how radical that idea was: that mere words, spoken at the right time in the right way, could bring relief to human suffering. He coined terms that still shape our language today: defense mechanism, Freudian slip — shorthand for why we act out of place or reveal hidden truths.

Yet Freud remains a deeply controversial figure. Critics accuse him of stealing ideas from other thinkers, even his own students. He demanded loyalty within his inner circle, banished disciples who contradicted him, and built sweeping theories on the basis of single case studies. One thing is certain: Freud looms large in our collective (sub)conscious. Few figures inspire such admiration and disdain in equal measure.

Bowlby and the Language of Love

Two generations later, John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, built on the idea that childhood experiences shape us long into adulthood. He introduced attachment theory, showing — along with later research by Mary Ainsworth — that children need more than food and shelter: they need assurance. Humans take decades to grow independent, unlike other animals who can walk or even run within hours of birth. Baby humans, by contrast, must first develop a deep, visceral sense that their caregivers will be there for them in the long haul. And they learn this not through words, but through thousands of repetitive, loving interactions.

The Language of Assurance

How do baby humans gain that assurance? By crying, clinging, tugging at a sleeve — whatever it takes to draw a caregiver close. They don’t need to be told “I love you”; they need to feel it in the thousand small gestures of presence and soothing interactions. The language little humans internalize is loving attention. Once reassured of their caregiver’s devotion, they know that no matter what happens out in the world — however frightened they feel, whatever bumps or bruises they collect — they can always return home to find comfort. And only then do they feel free to venture outward and explore.

How to Play Emotional Tennis with Your Baby

So how can we interact with our children in ways that build lasting trust and security? One powerful approach is called serve and return. Imagine it as a gentle game of tennis: your child makes the first move — their serve — and you respond with attention and care — your return. Then you pause and wait for their next move, because the goal isn’t to control the game but to connect. Here are five simple steps for playing emotional tennis with your infant or toddler:

1. Notice the serve. Pay attention to what captures your child’s interest. Maybe your baby locks onto a squirrel darting by, or your toddler gurgles at a robin’s song. Even in everyday routines — like getting dressed — they might fixate on the duck on their shirt. By noticing what catches their attention, you show them their curiosity matters.

2. Return the serve. Join them in their world. You might say, “That squirrel is running fast — maybe he’s looking for an acorn!” Or, “What a pretty song!” Or, “You like ducky, don’t you? Say good morning to ducky!” Your return adds connection and enriches their experience.

3. Wait for the response. Give your child space to process and reply in their own way. Maybe they giggle, point again, or move closer. Waiting shows that their ideas and responses are important — and that you’re there to support them.

4. Follow their lead. The game ends when your child decides. They may shift attention to something else or say “all done.” Respecting their choice reinforces that their exploration is valued.

5. Repeat to build trust. Serve and return is more than a cute game — it’s the foundation of secure attachment. By entering your child’s world and responding with warmth, you teach them that the world is safe, that they matter, and that you’ll be there when they reach out. Over time, these little volleys build not only language and learning, but also deep layers of trust and security.

At the heart of attachment is something simple: children grow secure not because parents are perfect, but because they are present. When parents notice, respond, and return, they build the trust that helps baby humans feel safe enough to explore, resilient enough to grow, and confident enough to love. The science is clear, but the practice is tender — secure attachment is woven through the small, loving back-and-forths of everyday life.