Grief Demands a Response: Queer Political Grief and Transformation

By Jonathan Bigler-Lisch

There is no clear, easy way to respond to nationwide attacks on queer rights. On Wednesday, June 18th, the United States Supreme Court voted 6-3 to uphold a Tennessee ban on puberty blockers and hormone therapy for minors seeking to transition. On June 10th, the Associated Press reported that the Southern Baptist Church voted in support of overturning the 2015 Obergefell v. Hodges Supreme Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide. These nationwide rulings and overt support for further limits on the rights of queer people from powerful American institutions are terrifying. Underneath the feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and even helplessness is one that goes even deeper - grief.   

Understanding Grief

Before diving into the depths of grief, I think it is important to ground ourselves in a clear definition of the word. Merriam-Webster defines grief as “a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement”. To go a step further, bereavement is defined as “the state or fact of being bereaved or deprived of someone or something.” Putting it together, grief is the distress of loss - the physical sensation of pain that we feel in response to losing someone or something in the world around us. Grief is how we experience losses that extend beyond our physical body. Beyond losing something tangible, such as a person or a job, or even something more abstract like a right, we feel grief in response to the loss of what we thought was possible. It forces us to mourn beliefs we may have had about the state of the world or the direction our lives were headed.

The immense pain of grief demands a response (and even denial is a response!). It calls for reflection, expression, coming together, pulling away, screaming, crying, silence, smiling, anger, sleeping, art, phone calls, love – grief can be a portal to a deeper experience of humanity. Grief requires reckoning. “What will I do without this?” This is a question of exactness, whose answer is unknowable to us until we live it. “What can I do without this?” This is a question of possibility, an answer we can begin to imagine even in the midst of the storm.

The DBT Model of Emotions

The model of emotions utilized by Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) sees emotions as a cycle rather than existing alone. It begins with an event, either internal or external, followed by an interpretation, which leads to an emotion, which then leads to an action urge. Emotions call for some kind of action, even if it is subconscious. Action urges then lead to behaviors, which lead to consequences, at which point the cycle restarts. If we were to model an example of how this may play out in experiencing the loss of queer rights, it may look something like this:

Event: The Supreme Court upholds Tennessee’s ban on puberty blockers and hormone therapy for minors.

Interpretation: “This is the beginning of the end. All of our rights will be lost.”

Emotion: Sadness, anger, helplessness.

Action Urge: Feeling the urge to withdraw and isolate from others.

Behavior: Self-isolation and disengaging from past efforts to fight for change. Responding cynically to others who continue to fight.

Consequences: Feeling less engaged with loved ones, experiencing less positive and hopeful input, and increasing engagement with other cynical viewpoints.

Changing Interpretations

I want to be clear that the example depicted above is not meant to blame those of us who have responded helplessly to recent events. Helplessness is a common feeling in response to overwhelming change and immense feelings of threat. However, what is important here is to tune into the underlying feeling of grief and understand whether there are other interpretations available that might lead to different outcomes. Let’s see what the cycle might look like if things went a bit differently.

Event: The Supreme Court upholds Tennessee’s ban on puberty blockers and hormone therapy for minors.

Interpretation: “This is a devastating blow to queer rights and it is unclear what will happen next. I need to check in with myself and those around me to understand how we are feeling impacted.”

Emotion: Sadness, anger, and a desire for connection.

Behavior: Journaling in response to the ruling. Searching for journal prompts about navigating grief. Reflecting on the magnitude of the loss and speaking with safe loved ones and community members about anticipated impacts of the ruling. Engaging with the question “What can I do now?” with curiosity, allowing all emotions and thoughts, no matter how painful, to arise.

Consequences: Experiencing a period of contemplation and rest. Integrating new thoughts and beliefs about how to pursue change and address harm. Relationships with loved ones feel deeper and more connected, rooted in an understanding of community values.

As we continue to think about our roles in fighting for social change, one helpful resource is Deepa Iyer’s “Social Change Ecosystem Map” which outlines the many roles that individuals can play in social movements. This map can help us begin to find ways to engage in changemaking that are aligned with where we are in our lives and how we have the capacity to show up.

The map and expanded resources can be found here: https://www.socialchangemap.com/home/understanding-the-framework. If, in the course of working through these heavy emotions, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, I recommend speaking with a professional counselor or calling or texting 988 if you experience a crisis