How to Navigate Toxic Family Dynamics During the Holidays

By Destinee Rodriguez

The holidays are in our near past. For many, the holidays came with parties, celebrations and gatherings with family, friends and oftentimes coworkers. During these gatherings, we may have come face to face with toxic people who have been emotionally, mentally, or physically harmful to us, growing up and/or today. These toxic people can be anyone, including parents and grandparents and other members of our families we might only see once or twice a year. Toxic family dynamics are not easy to navigate, especially during the holidays where we are all expected to be jolly and excited as we celebrate. For many, the holidays can be a reminder of a painful childhood or negative experiences that we carry today. Let’s explore healthy ways to navigate toxic family dynamics post the holidays during our reflection period for the new year.

Is My Family Toxic? What is a Toxic Family Dynamic?

In order to know how to navigate toxic family dynamics, we must first know what a toxic family dynamic looks like. This dynamic refers to patterns of unhealthy interactions amongst family members. These interactions can be consistently hurtful, stressful or destructive. The interactions can have long term implications on the victim. Some toxic behaviors include repeated disrespect, lying and manipulation, poor communication and control over the victim. These relationships, in addition to controlling, can be abusive (physically or mentally), full of competitiveness and comparisons, unhealthy boundaries, and emotionally detached or enabling. 

Are There Stressors We Experience Related to Family Dynamics?

There are a variety of stressors that we can connect to toxic family relationships, especially during the holidays. Let's explore some of the most common stressors we see around this time of year:

• Unresolved Conflict: The holidays can bring up old issues and problems that have been experienced throughout one's life. This resurfacing can lead to increased tension and emotional strain and drain.

• High Expectations: There is a lot of pressure around the holidays. This can look like making sure we get someone the perfect gift, hosting parties, or even as simple as decorating for the holidays. When we place high expectations on ourselves because of the expectations of others, we can be left disappointed when things turn out differently than what we anticipated.  

• Difficulty with Relationships: Interacting with toxic, overly critical family members can be a major source of stress and anxiety around the holidays as we try to push through with a smile and try to keep “jolly,” leaving us drained after an interaction. 

  
  

• Shifts or Changes Within Family Roles: During the holidays, we might have to acknowledge changes within our families. Whether that be adjusting to a new baby, or celebrating the holidays without a loved one for the first time. These changes, anticipated or not, can lead to feelings of loss and grief as well as tension and distress in trying to understand the new dynamic and roles.

• Communication Breakdowns: If we go to an event with someone we know and anticipate to be toxic, we will probably feel quite tense. This tension, if not addressed, can lead to arguments or harmful, unproductive conversations as it signals unresolved feelings in our bodies. 

Okay, my family is toxic, yet I still have to see them. What Do I Do?

Even if we have toxic family dynamics; even if we know they are toxic and want nothing to do with them, we might not have the option to skip the holidays and avoid our families. We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves to make the situation better for everyone. Let’s explore some helpful tips to get through the stressful holiday season with toxic family members.

1. Make a Plan/Set Your Intention: Holiday stress can make it easy to slip into old roles and behaviors and we might not show up to events as our best self. We might ask ourselves how we want to show up to these events, or what kind of person we want to be. Knowing our values can help us make a solid plan in navigating toxic families around the holidays as we control the perception we give

   
   

2. Identify Holiday Stress Triggers: After making a plan and setting our intentions for how we would like to be perceived at a holiday event, it is important to take time and reflect upon our holiday triggers. If we see a particular family member and our palms begin or shake, or our heart starts to flutter, our body is trying to tell us something important. It’s critical to take a moment and listen to your body. Identifying triggers can help us be better prepared for when the moments arise. 

   
   

3. Setting Boundaries: Everyone can benefit from setting boundaries, especially victims of a toxic family dynamic. Boundaries help protect our well-being and can reduce the potential for conflict. Some boundaries we might want to implement are how many events we will attend and how long we will spend at each, we can speak with “I” statements instead of “why” statements to be less accusatory. We want to communicate effectively and avoid giving ultimatums like “If you keep yelling, I am leaving and not coming back!” to avoid confrontation and isolation.

   
   

4. Let go of the Need to Fix the Family: When all of our family members are together for the holidays, we might be inclined to use this opportunity to fix family issues. It is important to remember that we cannot “fix” or change those around us and bringing up long-standing grievances around the Christmas tree might not be the best time. Instead of focusing on controlling others, we need to focus on ourselves and our needs during the holidays. 

5. Self-Care and Realistic Expectations: The holidays can be a stressful time for anyone, especially for those who come from toxic families. During this time, while we are shopping for and considering others, we have to ensure we are taking time for ourselves. Prioritizing calm and our sense of well-being can not only make us better prepared for stressful situations, but will lead to more effective communication. In this, we also want to maintain realistic expectations of ourselves. If we are invited to 5 parties in one week, we have to remember to not overextend ourselves. No holiday gathering will be perfect but we must acknowledge that compassion goes a long way, and compassion is not just reserved for others; we must be compassionate with ourselves as we navigate the holidays. 

If we think we come from a toxic family dynamic, odds are we do; we just did not have a term for it. If we do, we must realize we are not alone. 70-80% of American adults consider their families dysfunctional and 1 in 7 children in the United States may experience toxic family dynamics which include physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Let’s take a moment to explore how we can exit or distance ourselves from toxic family dynamics using boundaries and distancing.

Using Boundaries to Exit Toxic Family Dynamics: 

1. Define Boundaries and Be Clear About Them: Being clear about boundaries and behaviors we do not and will not tolerate within our family dynamics are important in protecting ourselves and our wellness. If we do not want to engage in particular conversations, we do not have to. We have full autonomy in deciding what our boundaries are and how we can use them to keep ourselves safe from toxic relationships.

2. Be Consistent and Manage Expectations: We have to enforce our boundaries and ensure we follow through! If we set the stage by telling our family we do not want to have a conversation about politics and politics are brought up, follow through and leave the room! Keeping consistent with our boundaries helps reinforce the importance of our limits and how much we can handle. We also have to understand that our family members will probably give pushback or react negatively but it’s important to recognize that we cannot manage their emotions or expectations of us, what we can control are our reactions to them and their emotions.

Creating Healthy Distance With Toxic Family Members

1. Limiting Contact: We can limit contact with family members that are toxic and harmful to our overall health and wellbeing. This can look like declining invitations to events and limiting calls, texts or visits. If we are staying with family for the holidays, we can explore different options such as staying in a hotel instead of our family home to provide some distance.

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3. Information Control: We want to be intentional with the information we give family members and the personal information we share with them. If someone is probing personal questions at us that can be triggering, we can simply decline to answer or provide personal information we do not want to share. 

   
   

4. Going No Contact: Depending on the severity of the toxic relationships, it might be in our best interest to go no contact with particular members of our family. This can look like blocking their phone numbers and/or their social media accounts. Cutting off the toxic member and going no contact may be necessary in severe cases to protect ourselves entirely. 

Toxic family dynamics may be unavoidable and this is beyond our control. We cannot control others but we can control ourselves and our reactions which can make the holidays a little easier and less stressful when trying to navigate toxic family dynamics.