Provide yourself with positive regard

By Weixi Huang

_{Positive regard is a way of treating someone without judgement or conditions, one of the core principles in Motivational Interviewing, CBT, DBT, and other person-centered interventions. The moment we interact with the person, we fully accept the person as who they are in the moment without bias. We actively listen to their story with empathic curiosity. Clinicians often approach clients with this attitude to help clients focus on their concerns, process emotional states that are distressing and build insight into what contributes to their concerns. Even without training, people can provide this level of regard for those they care about. Remember a time when we felt someone understood us through those difficult moments. They hear and accept what we are saying without challenge, helping us build the confidence to sit with those emotions and learn how to process them.}                                                                                            

                   _{To help anyone we must first connect with them, to help ourselves we must connect with ourselves.}  

_{With positive regard, helpers are in tune with the perspective of the person’s story, emotionally and cognitively. What happens when the person in need of this regard is ourselves? This state of grace can be helpful when we are interacting with ourselves internally during intense emotional states. We  don’t fight with what we are experiencing and accept these intense emotions for what they are.}

_{Starting each morning with this mindset of grace and acceptance can help us build an uncluttered mind that is an open, compassionate, non-contentious state of being. We can use deep breathing, first breathe in through our nose thinking about the word “in”, hold the breath counting slowly 1, 2, 3, and exhale thinking the word “out.” Through taking breaths, inhaling and exhaling, we let our feelings and thoughts run their course internally. Repeat this breath pattern until the tension has lessened, keeping compassion towards ourselves in mind as if we are providing help to someone we care about.} 

_{Patience for what is within is important}

_{We give ourselves time and compassion. At this moment, we don’t need to rush to make sense of what is happening, these thoughts or emotions don’t have to define who we are, and we don’t have to be concerned with how long it would take for them to pass. We just give ourselves  the same grace as if we are interacting with someone we care about. As William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick, the founders of Motivational Interviewing  pointed out, we might notice thoughts, emotions, and stressful states of being stuck gradually become less intense, like a wriggling fish on a fishing line losing its fight, then a sensation of passivity looms over us as it gets easier. The practice of having willingness to carry this internal grace may help us during stressful moments. The sensation may take less effort each time to sit through by not contending with that temporary storm we feel on the inside; accepting it for what it is, not acting on it, and focusing on what matters in front of us without judgment of ourselves.}

_{This domain of compassion is a personal and empowering choice for healing. This can be a starting point of self-honesty and compassion, a strength-based and person-centered attitude towards oneself. This attitude may also open us up to opportunities of building a working relationship with another person whether a clinician, spiritual person, or friend, someone we feel comfortable with sharing our story with.}