Taking Accountability: How to Apologize Like a Therapist

By Jonathan Bigler-Lisch

Harming others, both through our words and actions, is unavoidable. Even chronic people pleasers learn that it is impossible to make everyone happy, and at some point you will damage a relationship that is meaningful to you. If harm is unavoidable, we need to invest in the skills required to repair relationships. But what makes a strong apology, and what ruins one? And how can we use moments of accountability to strengthen our relationships with others and ourselves?

Preparing to Face Anger

Before engaging with someone we have hurt, it is common to feel anxious, fearful, sad, or even angry about the interaction. We may be unsure of what we are going to say, fear how the other person will respond to us, languish the damage that we have done, or feel anger toward the other person for how they have acted since the inciting event. However, if unchecked, these emotions can hijack us and offrail our ability to stay present and curious about the other person’s experience.

There are a variety of methods to handle these emotions, but two that we can highlight are deep breathing and self-soothing. Deep breathing can help us to center ourselves and separate ourselves from our thoughts. When we feel grounded, we are better able to navigate difficult emotions. Self-soothing through the senses can be helpful not only to soothe our emotions, but to connect more deeply with our reason for seeking to repair this relationship in the first place. We might self-soothe by looking at pictures of us and this person together to remind ourselves of the positive aspects of the relationship. Alternatively, we might listen to a song that reminds us of them or hold an item that they gave us. If this is a more distant relationship such as a coworker or a neighbor, we can think about the positive outcomes that are possible by repairing the relationship or thinking about how this experience affirms our values. These skills can help to reduce the intensity of the emotion and feel more connected to the other person, preparing us for the interaction itself.

Asking Questions

Asking questions is pivotal to an apology. We cannot apologize when we do not know what we did or why it was hurtful. Even if our behavior was unintentional, it is important to recognize how the impact of our actions extends beyond just those that we intend. When we ask effective questions, we show the other person that we not only want to know how we harmed them, but that we are invested in changing the outcome.

Examples: 

“Last time we spoke, you seemed really angry with me and I’m having trouble understanding what went wrong, but I want to. Can you tell me how things went from your perspective?”

“I notice that you haven’t been speaking to me lately and I’d like to get back on speaking terms. Can we talk about how to get back on track?”

Follow-up questions are helpful, too, because they show investment and interest. If someone tells us that they are nervous to tell us how we hurt them, asking how we can make them feel more comfortable can help bolster trust and smoothen the rest of the interaction. If someone tells us that they felt betrayed, we can ask what they would have wanted us to do differently to get a better outcome. 

Validating and Apologizing

Once we have a clear understanding of our part, we can use that knowledge to validate the other person’s experience and apologize for our role. One important thing to note here is that we may feel especially angry if what we did was unintentional. We may feel that we are being misinterpreted or judged too harshly. However, the goal of an apology is not to portray ourselves in a way that is inaccurate or accept a false narrative of the situation. For example, if someone feels hurt because we missed an event that was important to them and accuses us of not caring about them, we are not obligated to agree with that portrayal. It is very possible that we do care about them, but for one reason or another (such as forgetting or needing to prioritize another commitment), we were not able to fulfill the obligation. Below is an example of how we might respond:

“I hear you. If I were in your shoes, I would feel uncared for, too. I care about you a lot, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to be there for you.”

When we validate the other person’s perspective, we are connecting with their experience of the events and showing that we care about how they feel. 

Forging a Path Forward

Not every apology needs a plan of action afterward, but oftentimes they do, especially as the scope of harm increases. Some people may be satisfied with a promise that we will not repeat our harmful behavior, but others will want a more concrete idea of the steps we plan to take to ensure that our behavior changes. This process requires honesty, transparency, and collaboration. For example, if our partner is angry because we have repeatedly been unable to come with them to family events, they may ask how we plan to shift our commitments to prioritize them in the future. Below are some questions that can help in moving through this process:

• What are the specific obstacles that have led me to engage in harmful behavior? (Ex: I have been taking on too many responsibilities at work.)

• What steps can I take to change my behavior? Can these steps be taken quickly, or will I need time before the change is in full effect? (Ex: I can speak with my boss to let them know that I will no longer be able to work on weekends, or that I will need to remove myself from a project. This process might require two weeks to a month as they shift my responsibilities to others.)

• What reinforcements will I need to put in place in order to maintain this change? (Ex: I have a hard time saying no at work, so I will need to speak with my therapist about setting boundaries more often.)

Repairing relationships can be difficult, especially when we do not know where to start, but they can be important turning points in relationships. When we show others that we care about how our actions affect them, we are able to deepen our relationships and make them more resilient to harm in the future. We can also use these moments to learn more about ourselves and areas of our lives that we can improve.