Unveiling the Illusion Behind the Dating 'Spark': Tips for Staying Grounded

In dating, we often think the immediate spark with a shot of dopamine is viewed as the sign of a lasting  and strong relationship. But what if this long-running belief was not a sign of anything, and just a shot of dopamine ignited by the activation of the sympathetic nervous system. What if the slow-burner that has been written off for decades is the true connection? 

What is the spark?

The “spark” is one of pop culture’s biggest misconceptions because it has led to people engaging in unhealthy dating patterns and developing unattainable relationship expectations. Many people in my own life  have ghosted potential partners because they did not give them that immediate “dopamine high”. And when there is a potential partner who gave them that “spark”, it tends to fizzle out almost as fast as it was set off. If we are only basing the connection off of a chemical reaction in the body, we are putting ourselves at risk of overlooking potential red flags or neglecting the desire to explore the person’s interests and personality. 

Building a connection with someone does not typically come from the immediate high. It comes from ongoing exploration of personal interests and interactions. If there is no immediate “spark”, it does not mean that you are ultimately settling. It means you are remaining open to a possible connection that is sometimes hidden below the surface waiting to be discovered. Not everyone approaches novel social situations with charisma, spunk, and energy. Some people take time to open up and disclose their more vulnerable complexities. If we write off the quiet, observant person, you could be writing off a potential bond. Our society tends to lean towards instant gratification that can often resemble self-indulgence. The slow-burn allows you to slow-down and focus on finding “sparks” in people who share similar values, goals and priorities as you. 

So how do you know when to give-up on the slow-burn? 

While it is better to keep an open-mind and take your time with dating, there is a point when it’s time to let the slow-burn simmer out. If you find yourself getting less and less energized and or excited after going on a few dates with the person, it is best to assume they are not for you. It’s important to try and approach dating with more of a “beginner’s mind”. This can allow the chemistry to develop organically without entering a date thinking we’ve already “figured them out”. 

To be more intentional in dating, and not get tricked by the “spark”, it’s important to be grounded in our values, goals, and priorities. The spark can often blur these elements and make it difficult to navigate the relationship when we are so flooded with dopamine and adrenaline. Staying grounded in our values and knowing what values are non-negotiable can help us navigate dating and relationships more effectively and help us choose interactions that build our self-respect. Ultimately, we want to date people that respect our values and beliefs and not just date them because they gave us a euphoric first impression.

The bottom line is the spark is a dangerous path towards unobtainable expectations and missed opportunities. The spark is a finite feeling that is fleeting and directionless. The more we rely on it, the more we become addicted and obsessed with it. The goal is to date with intention and be more mindful of our reality, instead of trying to manipulate the experience to what we would prefer.