Fatalistic Mind: Taking Back Control

Sometimes we find ourselves feeling as though our problems have no solution and resign ourselves to the outcome, as though a meteor were barrelling toward us. Sometimes we may attempt to take total responsibility for something that is not, or is only partially, our fault in order to avoid conflict. We may shut down, numb out, or go to sleep to avoid facing our problems. When we find ourselves feeling and acting in this manner, it indicates that we have entered a Fatalistic Mind. When we are in Fatalistic Mind, we act from the belief that it is better not to try to address a situation because there is no solution at all.

Once Upon a Time, Fatalistic Mind May Have Been Helpful

If we find ourselves frequently entering Fatalistic Mind, it is likely that there was a time in our lives when it was helpful. For example, in childhood it may have been helpful to take total responsibility for something that was not our fault because challenging an abusive parent’s accusations would have been worse. We may shut down rather than face our problems because we never learned how to tolerate distress enough to maintain our composure while facing a problem. Avoiding our problems or submitting completely to others is a way of handling our problems that was learned, even if it does not achieve the results that we would like.

The hopeless and defeatist thoughts of Fatalistic Mind can be compelling, but with honest self-reflection and developing the necessary skills, we can begin to enter Flexible Mind. In Flexible Mind, we can be curious, open to feedback, engaged in problem solving, and more honest with ourselves about our goals and desires.

From Fatalistic Mind to Flexible Mind

When we recognize that Fatalistic Mind is a way of coping, we open ourselves to finding new, healthier ways of coping. In the following examples, we will examine how Fatalistic Mind is showing up and what questions we can ask ourselves to enter Flexible Mind.

“I guess I’m always the problem.”

This is a phrase that many of us have heard from others, and likely one that many of us have said ourselves. When we feel bogged down by shame, it can be challenging to hear and acknowledge the feedback of others. However, when we position ourselves as the one always at fault, it puts words in others’ mouths and blocks them from engaging intimately in the repair process with us. If we find ourselves wanting to take this approach, we can ask ourselves some important questions:

“What am I feeling right now?”

“Does this statement change or reinforce this feeling?”

“How might the other person feel and/or respond to this statement?”

“There’s no way that I can change this - it’s hopeless.”

Everyone has experienced hopelessness at some point in their life. Giving up is sometimes an important decision to make, such as when we have taken on too many responsibilities to effectively complete all of them, when we lack the required skill to complete a task, or when circumstances change leaving us without the proper resources to do what we originally set out to do. However, when we react with hopelessness instinctively, we stop ourselves from demonstrating our capabilities and experiencing the positive emotions of achievement and pride. When we feel hopelessness and doubt our abilities, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

“What am I afraid of experiencing if I am unable to succeed?”

“What actions can I take that might help to make success more achievable?”

“Do I need to give up, or do I just need to take a break?”

“Can I succeed without achieving perfection?”

“Fine, we’ll do it your way. But don’t get mad at me when it doesn’t work out.”

When we experience disagreement with someone else, we can find ourselves feeling tempted to relinquish control in order to avoid feeling responsible for the consequences. For example, if we are working on a project with someone who has a different idea for the outcome, we may agree to pursue their idea and then stop putting in our full effort. In this scenario, Fatalistic Mind may be a way to punish someone else to prove a point to them. When we find ourselves using Fatalistic Mind to navigate a disagreement, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

“On what grounds do I disagree with this person? Is this difference resolvable?”

“Is there another way to communicate my disagreement?”

“What point am I trying to prove to this person? Is there a more direct way to communicate it?”

Easing the Process

Flexible Mind can be scary because it requires us to be honest about our thoughts, feelings, and intentions. An important component to success in shifting to Flexible Mind is leaning into willingness rather than willfulness. When we act from a place of willingness to be flexible rather than trying to force ourselves, we offer ourselves the opportunity to grow at our own pace. Additionally, being honest with others when we are in Fatalistic Mind can help us to be accountable for our behavior and thought process. When we are honest with others about being in a fatalistic state of mind, they may respond with compassion and understanding. While there may be times where it feels dangerous to lean into a new state of mind, over time we can build more comfort and familiarity with flexibility.