How to Get Out of Emotional Loops

By Weixi Huang 

We face different emotional situations day to day. There are times when things around us stir up our emotions, and at other times what we think and feel inside stirs up our emotions. How we see these situations also changes how we physically feel, react, and how the situation plays out. Sometimes we notice our emotions intensify, and they drive us back into the same situation again and again, and that can be frustrating to experience. We can get out of this emotional loop by trying to do the following steps:

1. Pause, breathe, center, and enter a reporter's mind-state; try describing the situation with only facts, no opinions. Keep it simple, don’t get lost in the details, and try not to add or take away details. Instead of describing your morning as horrible, describe it as I missed this train and in 10 minutes another one will arrive at the station. Instead of describing this person as evil, describe the person as someone who talks over you the last time you ask them for help. At this point the energy you put into this is low; if you notice fatigue or high energy, pause, breathe, center, and try again. Focus on what is happening. Happening to who? What is around us? At what moment did the emotion start? Where did emotion happen?

   
   

2. Observe and describe the emotion without judgment with what is happening to your body. Instead of describing to yourself you shouldn’t be angry about something, notice if you feel angry. How much muscle tension are you feeling? How fast is your heart beating? How hot or cold do you feel? How are you sitting and standing, and what face are you making? Instead of describing yourself as jumpy, describe it as your pulse is fast, and your muscles feel tight and rigid. Be curious, but don’t be in a rush to find the answers; try to ask yourself if maybe you could feel something other than emotion underneath. Sometimes we are angry because we are emotionally hurt or feeling guilty. We have more options in our response if we know what is happening.

   
   

3. What is pulling you? Or are you already in motion to act? What state of mind are you in when you have these urges? Try to be in a state of mind that follows balance; avoid extremes. Do what your situation demands so you can get what matters to you. You know what a situation demands by checking the facts without judgment, do what is specific and within your control even if it is uncomfortable. If you notice that what you are about to do keeps you in the emotional loop and away from what matters, try to delay reacting and pass the moment with intention by using this breathing technique: breathe in while counting 1 to 4 in your mind, hold that breath while counting 1 to 4 in your mind, and exhale while counting 1 to 4 in your mind. Repeat this 4 times.

   
   

4. Reflect on what worked and what didn't from how you responded in the situation. Use what you learned and keep doing what worked for improving the way you feel.

Things to consider: The point is to slow things down so you respond with intention and not react with emotion because they keep you in the emotional loop. It will be uncomfortable at first, but with practice it gets easier, and the options to get out of this loop become easier to see and access. We want to improve our awareness of what is happening and enter a state of mindfulness and intention, with less reaction.