How to be genuine with others without being completely vulnerable.

By Weixi Huang 

Sharing our thoughts and feelings can be a tricky internal conflict. On one hand, we want to express ourselves genuinely because keeping our thoughts and feelings inside for an extended period of time can be isolating, and could accumulate to an undesirable reaction during a moment we can no longer hold them in, often driven by joy, anger, anxiety, sadness, or disgust. When we share our thoughts and feelings, we may experience relief and content, which motivates us to keep sharing. On the other hand, we might start off oversharing when we meet new people or say something in a crucial moment in a work setting without intention. When we share our genuine thoughts and feelings we might be embarrassed or hurt if they are not well received by our audience. The longer we ruminate on how to share in a way that we are not vulnerable, the more tense our bodies might physically feel, and the mental energy we use to contain our genuine self can be draining to the point of irritability.      

Start from within, knowing what matters

What matters may be different from person to person, and that determines what makes us feel vulnerable because we don’t want to lose what gives us meaning. We want what matters to us to be accepted. Core values are fundamental beliefs that guide our choices, perceptions and actions. Examples of core values are different for each person, values could be family, creativity, caring, comfort, compassion, adventure, art etc. Sharing content connected closer to our core values may make us feel more vulnerable. If our audience does not connect to what we share, we may feel invalidated or disregarded. In this situation we can use the values inventory skill. 

• Start by writing down the values on a list, prioritize them from 1 to 10 in terms of the weight of importance, 1 being the most important and 10 being the least. 

• Practice sharing content from 10, and gradually move to 9, when comfortable, and repeat in ascending order.

• Starting from content that is lower in intensity of meaning may make it easier to understand our level of comfort for the time being.

• This provides an opportunity for us to practice being vulnerable gradually without being overwhelmed.   

  
  

Be in tune with the body when being genuine

Being honest can be stressful at first. The DBT skill “grounding ourselves” could be helpful in this situation. 

• Feel your feet on the ground.

• Start with observing and describing the surroundings, notice who or what is around with as much detail as possible, pay attention to what you see, hear, smell and touch. 

• Observe how the body is in contact with the chair or how the feet are in contact with the ground. 

• The chair or the floor is connected with the room, the room is connected with the building, and the building is connected with the earth. 

• Take notice that you are physically in contact with the world when interacting with others.            

  

Be skillful with vulnerability when being honest     

Understanding what the situation calls for is important. In scenarios where the focus of attention depends on the setting, such as a wedding, our thoughts and feelings may not be the center of attention. We can hold space for our thoughts and emotions, and hold space for others. The DEAR MAN, FAST, and GIVE skills of DBT could help us in being more intentional. Remember others cannot read our minds, we need to be effective in communicating our wants and needs with words, this strategy may not always work, remember what is important, and attend to others while keeping track of  priorities, goals, and values within interactions.

When being vulnerable with others we can use the DEAR MAN skill: 

• Describe the situation nonjudgmentally focusing on the facts.

• Express thoughts and emotions in a way that others may have an easier time understanding us.

• Assert wants and needs clearly and directly

• Reward others for their understanding with verbal affirmations and genuine expressions of thanks for their efforts.

• Be mindful of staying on topic.

• Appear confident with an assertive tone of voice, use of eye contact, neutral facial expression, and confident body language.

• Negotiate to reach a middle ground if we are stuck with no progress in the conversation.

When balancing our interactions with others we can use the FAST skill: 

• We can be fair by being nonjudgmental and respectful with our words and actions, and avoid extremes with our perspective.

• Apologies are not needed when it comes to having our own viewpoints in the face of opposing perspectives of others. We do not apologize for things that are not within our control. 

• Stick to goals and values.

• Stay truthful and accountable in the face of consequences. 

When interacting with others we can use the GIVE skill:

• Express your thoughts and feelings with sincerity, be genuine.

• Be interested in what others have to say and express, listen with curiosity. 

• Validate others by acknowledging their feelings, thoughts, and experience with nonjudgement.

• Be easy by providing others with compassion and refrain from judgments or being critical. 

When we hold space for others, people who have a different perspective or people who we feel vulnerable being sincere to with these skills, they may hold space for us. We start from knowing what matters to us most. In conversation, we can be in tune with the body when being genuine and be intentional with vulnerability when being honest with DEAR MAN, FAST, and GIVE skills.