Understanding Others: A Critical Step in Practicing Interpersonal Effectiveness

One of the primary goals of effective communication is understanding what another person is trying to convey. But what does understanding actually mean in this context? It goes beyond simply comprehending the words being spoken. True understanding involves grasping the meaning, emotions, and intentions behind what is shared.

This is often easier said than done. Two people can experience the same situation very differently, each bringing unique perspectives that may all be valid at the same time. However, our desire to be “right” or to “win” a conversation can interfere with genuine understanding. When this happens, effective communication breaks down, and connection between people can become jeopardized.

Engaging in Skills to Increase Interpersonal Effectiveness

One useful skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the GIVE acronym, which focuses on building and maintaining healthy relationships by balancing our own wants, needs, and desires with those of others.

Genuine

Being genuine means showing up as honest, sincere, and authentic in both words and actions. When we communicate genuinely, we signal to others that we value, respect, and care about them.

Interested 

Showing interest helps foster connection and understanding. This includes giving others space to speak, truly listening, and seeking to understand their perspective, experiences, and emotions. Interest can be expressed through curiosity and thoughtful questions, as well as nonverbal communication such as pausing before responding, maintaining appropriate eye contact, and keeping an open, relaxed posture.

Validate 

Validation involves nonjudgmentally acknowledging another person’s feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences, which can look like “walking a mile in their shoes.” Even when perspectives differ, they can coexist and be equally valid based on each person’s life experiences, values, and the situation at hand. While validating others is essential for interpersonal effectiveness, it is equally important to practice self-validation.

Easy Manner

Having an easy manner means approaching others with kindness, openness, and a relaxed attitude. It includes giving people the benefit of the doubt and allowing space for differing opinions. While there are moments when assertiveness or increased interpersonal intensity is necessary, conversations are often most effective when they begin in a calm, polite, and nonjudgmental way.

A cornerstone of the GIVE skillset is the ability to listen in a way that demonstrates care and respect for others and their experiences.

Reflective Listening Is Effective Listening

Effective listening requires mindfulness and practice. To truly understand others, we must let go of distractions and focus on what is being said in the present moment without judgment. This may involve resisting urges to correct, become defensive, or mentally rehearse responses, especially when someone’s perspective differs from our own. Instead, it calls for presence and curiosity.

There’s a common saying: “You’re listening to respond, not listening to understand.” This distinction has a powerful impact on how we approach conversations and the quality of our relationships.

Listening to respond often happens unconsciously. In this mode, we hear just enough to formulate our own reply or wait for a chance to interject. Listening to understand, on the other hand, reflects a genuine desire to comprehend what the other person is communicating, including their perspective, emotions, intentions, and underlying messages, ultimately learning to genuine understanding. It requires empathy, active engagement, and a willingness to be open to others and suspend judgment. This type of listening strengthens relationships by fostering trust, connection, and mutual respect, laying the foundation for meaningful communication and connection.

Reflective listening combines active listening with validation by mirroring back what the other person has shared in our own words. This allows them to clarify or expand on anything that may have been misunderstood. The goal is to remain attentive and engaged, ensuring we truly understand not just the words spoken, but the emotions and intent behind them. Like any skill, reflective listening takes time and practice, especially when learning to resist the urge to immediately respond or add our own opinions or “buts.”  Here are a few examples of what reflective listening might sound like: 

Example 1 

Speaker: “You don’t listen to me when I’m talking about my feelings.”

Listener: “You’re saying that I’m not really hearing you when you try to open up.”

Speaker: “Yeah, it sends a message to me that what I’m saying doesn’t really matter.”

Listener: “I’m hearing that it comes across like your feelings aren’t important to me, and that’s really frustrating.” 

Speaker: “Yes, exactly.”

Listener: “I get why that would be upsetting. I want you to know that your feelings do matter to me. How can I better show you that I am listening?”

Example 2

Speaker: “I was really frustrated when you changed our plans last minute.”

Listener: “So it wasn’t just inconvenient, it was also stressful and upsetting for you.”

Speaker: “Yeah, I had been looking forward to it all week.”

Listener: “It sounds like you were really excited about it, and then the change was disappointing.” 

Speaker: “Yeah, especially because I’ve had such a stressful week. It just would have helped to get more notice so I could have made other plans.”

Listener: “I hear you. You needed something to look forward to and the short notice made it hard to do that.”

Speaker: “Exactly.” 

Listener: “That makes sense. I’ll try to give you more notice next time, even just a day or two, so it doesn’t happen so abruptly. Would that be better for you?”

Example 3

Speaker: “I know it was probably a last minute thing, but it hurt my feelings when you guys went out to dinner and didn’t include me.” 

Listener: “Even if it was last minute, being left out was still hurtful.”

Speaker: “Yeah, like I was forgotten about.”

Listener: “It came across like we weren’t thinking of you at that moment.” 

Speaker: “Yeah, especially since I really try to make an effort to include everyone.”

Listener: “That makes sense. It sounds like you prioritize including people, so being left out hits even harder. I want to apologize for that because that wasn’t my intention.”

Speaker: “I know. I just wanted to get it off my chest so it didn’t build up.”

Listener: “I'm glad you said something. I’ll try to be more mindful about checking in with you next time. Does that sound like a good plan?”

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Increasing interpersonal effectiveness involves developing multiple skills that take time, intention, and practice. While progress doesn’t happen overnight, consistent effort toward understanding others can significantly improve communication, deepen relationships, and create more meaningful connections.